Since I am going to Oudtshoorn next week, I decided, in the spirit of the KKNK, to try my hand at writing a comedy, or perhaps it is a tragedy. Or perhaps, if it was not such a big tragedy, it would be a big comedy. Anyway, you decide, I am now confused, I don’t know if I should laugh or cry! Please let me know if you think I can submit it for next year’s KKNK!
There are two characters, a guy called Piet. One of his friends says he is the “most unpretentious person I know”. The other person is Mr Wannabe Rich, who contacted Piet because he “wants to invest in property, it is definitely the way to go.”
Piet: So, Wannabe, you say you want to be rich?
Wannabe Rich: Yea, I think so …
Piet: Okay, that’s fine. But tell me HOW rich do you wannabe, Wannabe?
Wannabe Rich: How do you mean ‘How rich’? I just want to be rich!
Piet: I see. So how do you define “rich”?
Wannabe Rich: I don’t know? Having enough money? Having nice cars, a big house? Overseas travel? Why is it important how I define wealth anyway? I just want to buy property, because they say it makes you rich.
Piet: Property is a good investment. I can’t say that I think the things you mention are wealth, but I will show you a system to invest in property that, if you follow it, will make you wealthy. How wealthy depends on you. The system is safe, as long as you follow the rules. I will show you ways to minimise the risk. And people who follow the system get wealthy within ten to fifteen years. Would you like to hear about it?
Wannabe Rich: But does the system work?
Piet: No, Wannabe, the system does not work.
Wannabe Rich: (With alarm in his voice and on his face) So, how do the people make money then?
Piet: Let me ask you, Wannabe, what are you prepared to do to become rich?
Wannabe Rich: You mean like SAVE? (Incredulity in voice) You must be daft, man. I barely earn enough as it is. You know what my rent is in that mansion? You can’t expect me to raise my kids in a small house with only three bedrooms, two bathrooms and three garages? Seriously, get real!. And my wife’s Mercedes and my Pajero – it is important that people can see I have MONEY, my friends and clients expect it. And, hell, it is important to broaden my kids experience and with the exchange rate what it is (stupid bloody government), do you know what it costs to travel overseas? When last were you in London? I mean, R150 for a cup of coffee! My kids are expensive, too! They go to private schools. You know what those guys charge? It is a rip-off. But we all know the state of government schools, so what can we do? Nope, money is tight, we will have to make another plan, I cannot afford to put money into an investment that takes 10 years! Don’t you have something that is quicker?
Piet: I am afraid I have some bad news for you, Wannabe, but the system really does not work.
Wannabe Rich: (Irritation in every fibre) How do you mean “the system does not work”? You just told me it is safe and people get wealthy within 10 to 15 years. By the way, I can’t wait that long, anyway, I am a wheeler-dealer and expect high returns very quickly, within six months at the most. NOW you tell me the system does not work. Do you think I am a fool? I am not a fool you know, I am a director of a very big and well known company.
Piet: (Thinks) I know a wise man when I see one, and this one …, but I must remember not to buy any of those shares. (Says) No, Wannabe, the system does not work. The same way that a hammer, a knife, a cellphone, a car, does not work. It cannot work. Only PEOPLE can work. People can use a hammer and a knife to make a wonderful statue. People can use a cellphone to communicate and keep a wonderful relationship going. People can use our system to get wealthy within 10 to 15 years. But only people can work. Let me ask you again: What are YOU, Wannabe, prepared to do to become wealthy? You know, you cannot harvest before preparing the ground and sowing the seed and irrigating it?
Wannabe Rich: No, this sounds like a scam. I don’t believe in these get rich quick schemes, You just want to take my money. Anyway, my brother bought property in a new development next to the sewerage plant and he says it is all lies that people make money with property. When people smell the sewerage at his place they laugh and walk away. He cannot find tenants for his property. Anyway, they say offshore investments are much better right now.
Piet: Yes, I agree offshore investments are important in a portfolio. In what currency is your offshore money?
Wannabe Rich: I don’t have money offshore!? I just told you I don’t earn enough to be able to save. Anyway, I think you are wasting my time. What I really wanted from you is to help me raise money to pay my taxes. The stupid bank manager does not want to increase my overdraft so that I can pay my taxes. These fools they appoint in such responsible positions! It is because of my income that I have to pay tax, but he is too stupid too understand it and now he refuses to increase my overdraft. But I can see you can’t help me, either. It is a shame how people like you con people like me out of our money. But we are not all fools. I can see right through you! Bye!
Piet: Indeed! Good luck with your investments.
Now before the offers come roiling in to become a writer for 7de Laan, Santa Barbara, Young and Restless and who knows what – if you think that is a fiction of my mind … you are most welcome! My only comment would be: This is pure fiction. Any similarity, whether real or imaginary, with any person, dead or alive, or any real life situation, whether past, present or future, is purely accidental.
Enjoy your day! I am definitely enjoying mine!